Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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