I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
