Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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