you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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