Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
