oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
