OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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