After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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