I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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