So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize