My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
