I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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