Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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