I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
