at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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