I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
vagina is talking i cant
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
