I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
