there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize