im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize