its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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