I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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