I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
