Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize