I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
