I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
