I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
