don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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