I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
