Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
