swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
