people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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