This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
