I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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