Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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