Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Life is so much better after having sex.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
