remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You have to summon your inner elephant
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize