it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
