I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
