I hate your face
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
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