I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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