just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
