You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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