I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
