he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
