i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I am midnight drunk by noon
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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