Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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