I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
