my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
