saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
