I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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