i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
