he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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