tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
