her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
