I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
