Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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