fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
