so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
