Got a toothbrush?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
