You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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