not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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