Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
