Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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